so much is so rotten

today as i was painting at my sisters house i had a lot of time to think.

so I'm painting and thinking about the people I know. and which of them I consider to be my friends. which ones I trust and which ones have done things that hurt me. the amount of time I've known them and the amount of respect I have for them.

then I wondered if any of them respect me. and if that respect matched mine for them. if they ever cared if they hurt me. if they would do it again. if they deserved the trust I give them.

then I realized that there is absolutely no way for me to ever know if someone is Lying to me. Not if someone has lied to me just once or the entire time I've known them. and I may never get wise to someones deception.

and how can I react to this?

how do i react when I notice the sideways glance I never thought would come from you? how do i react to hearing about a secret I told you from a new party? how do I react to bad friends?

I decided that in the end I can only be accountable for myself. I'm not going to change anyone. and I'm not counting on anyone changing themselves on account of me.

the type of person I want to be is a good friend. so I will continue to help when you ask. I will continue to keep your secrets. I will continue to forgive and give the benefit of the doubt. because I can't allow someone else to make me become less than i am.

there are people in my social circle who have told terrible lies, let out huge secrets, and just been all around mean to me. through experience I've learned that holding grudges causes more stress than it's worth and causes too much drama. even if trust is gone I can hold a friendly conversation with a person who has been and will probably continue to be a nasty friend to me.

I can't let them change who I am.

because I also realized no one can know if I'm lying or not. no one can know If I'm a terrible friend behind their back or not. but I will know. and I like respecting myself.

"I'm Trying to Be like Jesus" plays in the back of my mind like a broken record, and I have no intentions of fixing it.

bicycles

I'm getting a bike now that I have a job and can afford it. I'm getting it instead of a car so I don't mind going all out and spending money on it. for about a year I've had my eye on the Mercier Kilo TT in green, but my sister's boyfriend recommended this Swobo and now I'm torn.

I love the green color on the mercier. but I'm starting to like the "galvanized" look of that swobo. The swobo is a better bike but also about 100 more than the mercier. I don't mind paying more now if it means less repairs later and a longer life.

I definitely want drop handlebars and that's my only real complaint about the look of the swobo. and I can get different handlebars no problem

they're both fixed gear single-speeds and super light weight.
BUT the Swobo Rear hub can be flipped if I want to run a single-speed freewheel which is a neat option

another cool thing i may or may not use is under the saddle for the swobo is a built in bottle opener

tomorrow I'm gonna try to get to the bike shop and check em out
can i get some opinions?